Saturday, 23 August 2014

Sex & Slaughter: The Top Ten Horror Movie Sex Scenes

Horror movies offer audiences a lot. Whether you want to watch them for the notoriously clever dialogue, the over-the-top acting, or just to see some dumb teenager get slashed for going into an abandoned haunted house alone, horror films are always good for some serious entertainment.


Not only that, but they're known for having some of the raunchiest and, sometimes, most irrelevant sex scenes (not that we're complaining!). After doing the research, we can assure you that the genre has more than earned that reputation. It was difficult enough just narrowing it down to our top 10, though it was very, very fun.

The Hunger

Egyptian vampire Miriam Blaylock (Catherine Deneuve) seduces doctor Sarah Roberts (Susan Sarandon) in an attempt to turn her into her next vampire partner. The scene starts with a young Susan Sarandon carefully rubbing the spilt drink from her thin white shirt while wearing no bra underneath. Even the intro is hot. It's just made even better when Deneuve starts to ravish her. Even the cliché curtains blowing in the breeze and classical music won't be able to distract you during this sensual all-girl scene.

100 Feet

This is one of the rare horror movies where the couple getting in on actually gets to have a good night's rest before getting murdered (how considerate!). Couger Marnie Watson (Famke Janssen) is sentenced to house arrest after killing her abusive husband. She attracts the attention of her younger neighbor, Joey, and the two soon find themselves in the heat of things in Marnie's bedroom, the same one that she once shared with her husband. The intensity amplifies with Marnie looks up during the act and sees the ghost of her dead husband hovering above the two, watching them. Joey is unaware, but it seems to turn Marnie on more, and the two continue to get after it, even with their ghostly audience.


My Bloody Valentine 3D


This 2009 remake of the 1981 slasher film features the gorgeous and self-indulgent Irene, played by Betsy Rue. If the hot sex scene of her riding Ray hotel room isn't enough for you, viewers get about five more minutes of Rue bouncing around naked during her confrontation with Ray and as she's running from the killer. We're guessing the scene had a little something to do with the films ability to pull in more revenue in 3D than it did in 2D. Engadget reported a staggering 6:1 ratio after the movie's opening weekend.

Embrace of the Vampire

A smoking hot Alyssa Milano is tied to a bed as she's pleasured by vampires. This movie takes the cake for one of the hottest group sex scenes in a horror movie. With girls-on-girl action and guy-on-girl action, vampire-to-human action, there's something for everyone in this foursome.

Jason Goes to Hell

Michelle Clunie's body is on point during this steaming camping scene. She plays Deborah, a camper that is very enthusiastic about getting in on with another camper, Luke. But unfortunately for Deborah, she doesn't just feel like she's getting split in half while riding Luke, her entire body actually gets severed in two when Jason slashes her with a signpost.


The Cabin in the Woods

Anna Hutchison as Jules and Chris Hemsworth as Curt provide more heat in this movie than most people could handle. When they make love in the woods, it's surprisingly intimate as far as horror film sex scenes go. Of course the two are interrupted by zombies, but other than that, it's quite nice.


Species

The beautiful Sil (Natasha Henstridge) needs to find a mate to have sex with and reproduce. Seducing her next timid victim, she rides him until they're both satisfied, him having just had great sex, and her hoping that she's successfully been able to reproduce. The only other time we've seen hotter human and alien sex is in Pornomation 2, which adameve calls "truly interracial." Condoms, people. That way you'll have protection from STDs and unwanted pregnancies from all species.

Angel Heart

There's nothing like satanic rituals to put you two people in the mood. Detective Harry Angel is investigating a murder that ends up throwing him deep into the underground world of voodoo. Practicer Epiphany Proudfoot catches his eye, and it doesn't take long before they find themselves in bed together. The two get busy as rain falls from cracks in the ceiling. After a while the rain turns to blood, and it starts streaming through the walls. It didn't deter them in the slightest though and when they finish, the blood disappears.

Vampyres

In Vampyres, two lesbian vampires score the countryside seducing men and women in order to take their souls. But most people don't watch this 1974 horror movie for the plot. There are so many sex scenes throughout the film that the whole movie has to mentioned as top 10 material, not just one part. The erotic thriller has even inspired a Spanish remake. Horrorpedia posted teaser images of the film, although the release date is still unknown.


Friday the 13th

Another remake premiering in 2009, Friday the 13th, didn't disappoint audiences when it included the sexy Julianna Guill enjoying herself on top of Travis Van Winkle. It's arguably the hottest sex scene in any horror film to date. Completely in charge Bree (Guill) films the two while they're bumping naughty bits. Audiences watch the two go at it for almost three minutes, as the couple is completely unaware of Jason right outside their window. As if there wasn't enough to worry about when having sex in the house of an axe murderer on the eve.

Tuesday, 19 August 2014

The Unborn

Certificate: 15
Running Time: 88 mins
Director: David S. Goyer
Starring: Odette Yustman, Gary Oldman, Cam Gigandet
Genre: Horror
Country: USA

Casey Beldon (Yustman) goes toe-to-toe with a timeless evil who wants to be born again in order to rule the world.  With David S. Goyer (Batman Begins, Man of Steel) behind the pen and camera alike, The Unborn has a level of pedigree and potential to it that in theory should raise it above the tired conventions of a well trodden narrative…should.

As a horror The Unborn resides on the same Sorority Row as One Missed Call and Mirrors with regards to styling, pacing and in some areas of the movie, set-pieces.  Goyer’s script makes every effort to ground the subject matter in historical atrocities linking this evil to Nazi experimentation on twins during the second World War and the suicide of our leading ladies matriarch, played by Carla Gugino.  The problem with this is the back-story is so much more interesting than the central narrative.  Odette Yustman (now Annable) is a good actress but Gugino is better.  The youngest boy from Malcolm in the Middle being a total creep-monger is a nice (if predictable) touch but true evil being awoke and called to by the actions of Nazi Doctors is better not to mention less worn than pretty young babysitter gets targeted by terrible spirit.  So much of The Unborn is recycled that almost every scene falls a little flat.  It’s all just a little tired and predictable, right down to the token sassy black friend.  When does tired stereotyping become racist?  Give it some thought.

Yustman carries the film well enough, she’s not given a great deal to do other than run around spreading exposition amongst the supporting characters.  Cam Gigandet (I’m still not convinced this humanoid can act) offers up the stock unconvincing, underdeveloped boyfriend, his greatest accomplishment being the unbelievable lack of chemistry with his tres pretty on-screen girlfriend.  Gary Oldman barely touches second gear and in doing so is the finest performance of the movie.  Idris Elba gives a three minute turn that’s pretty decent and I’m still wondering how Carla Gugino agreed to pop up solely in flashback form but it’s a testiment to Oldman’s supreme ability that he can step into shot and outshine all around him who are trying so hard.

News isn’t all bad.  There are some nice touches in The Unborn.  The retirement home human-spider sequence is well executed (even if it has been done before) and the dogs with the upside-down heads are hideously excellent but you expect more from Goyer, especially as his name carries so much weight in Hollywood these days.

If you’re going to make a horror movie that deals exclusively in tried and tested narrative plot points you had better come up with a new way of coming at them.  The Unborn is, sadly, little more than a scrapbook movie collecting all of the film-makers favourite bits from the movies that had the greatest influence on them.  Not a bad place to start if you’ve never seen a horror before but everyone else had better have some knitting to do otherwise those eighty-eight minutes are going to feel as long as entire eight picture horror franchise.


Monday, 18 August 2014

Guardians of the Galaxy

Certificate: 12A
Running time: 121 mins
Director: James Gunn
Starring: Chris Pratt, Zoe Saldana, Bradley Cooper, Vin Diesel
Genre: Comic Book, Action, Sci-Fi
Country: USA

Marvel Studios are known for being adventurous…risky even and in hiring James Gunn (Super) for the duel hats of writer/director it has gone all-in with the biggest high stakes game of its history.  The question is, is it a straight flush or a toilet flush?

As a film-maker I have a lot of admiration, time and respect for James Gunn.  He’s a director with a clear vision on every project he comes to and regardless of the source material has a very distinct signature to his output that has him flirting with the label modern day auteurGuardians of the Galaxy is the closest thing to a pure James Gunn movie we’ve been afforded to date with everything from his humour, sensibilities, taste in music, and even his brother poured into the intergalactic tale of mass genocide and heroics.

In the casting of Chris Pratt (Parks & Recreation) as Peter Quill/Star Lord, Gunn has his unlikely hero in more than one sense of the word.  Pratt is the comedic on-screen personification of his director and a rather unexpected lead for such an enormous movie (another big tick in the Marvel risk category).  He does, however, fill Quill’s boots perfectly.  Believable and pitch perfect in humorous scenes is unsurprising for a performer of Pratt’s skill but he’s also incredibly believable in action mode and has a physicality that’s impressive (especially when you measure him up against Diesel and Bautista), powerful and almost effortless.  Similarly Zoe Saldana (Gamora) carries with her a impressive action-based punch.  Having showcased her powerhouse credentials in Colombiana and The Losers you’d be forgiven for assuming to know what Saldana has in her locker; but you’d be wrong.  Though this is not her finest action/acting performance (that would be Colombiana) it is a strong outing and provides the first two-thirds of the movie with the majority of the narrative conflict.  Vin Diesel (as the monosyllabic chunk of wood, Groot –playing to his strengths) is heartwarming, funny and demonstrates just how much you can do with three little words, Bradley Cooper (as Rocket) is decent enough though once you move pass the novelty factor his performance falls flat on more than one occasion, and Dave Bautista (Drax the Destroyer) is nothing short of a revelation in a role that, like Diesel, plays right into his strengths.

The cinematography and CGI of GOTG is rich, flash, almost awe-inspiring.  It’s clear that Gunn is a massive Guardians fan as not since Watchmen has there been a superhero movie with such a full-fat joy to its colour palette.  Similarly the soundtrack is something that really will please audiences of my generation/kids of the eighties and introduce the target audience to musicians that didn’t start 1. on YouTube or 2. kiss up to Ryan Seacrest/Simon Cowell; further evidence that Guardians is the most “James Gunn” of James Gunn’s oeuvre.

Sounds perfect, right?  Sadly not.  Sidestepping some of the causality issues –which all movies let alone comic book movies have, there are some real issues in Guardians of the Galaxy.  Yes it’s well-written, funny, action packed, and entertaining but there are a few things that just don’t stack up.  The sudden change of Quill from selfish, egotistical, self-proclaimed Star Lord to selfless protector of the galaxy is a little too much of a breakneck turn to be believable but this could be forgiven.  The largest problem with Guardians of the Galaxy is that at no point throughout the enter two hours do you ever believe that everything is going to be anything other than ok.  We’re talking about mass genocide by an evil (and soon to become all powerful) bad guy, all that’s stands between him and galactic domination is a band of misfits with a clapped out cassette tape yet everything is always going to be ok.  Emotionally it’s the equivalent of going thirty miles per hour with your seatbelt on in the middle of a Bond action sequence.  Compare this to another Marvel outing –The Avengers and you’ll see what we mean.  The vast majority of Whedon’s superheroes vs bad guys movie is spent pondering “how the hell are they going to save the day with… insert number of minutes remaining?!”


Guardians of the Galaxy goes a long way to tying up the Marvel universe for one large Marvel galaxy movie.  It’s admirable in its scale, endearing in its personality and entertaining in its delivery but it’s also a little too safe to set the pulse racing.


Wednesday, 13 August 2014

Tee-Rip-Fic

See what we did there?  The team behind political comedy The Perfect Candidate are in fund raising mode Ripper.  Never ones to take without giving, Joe Randazzo has started a tee shirt campaign in order to raise the greenbacks to shoot the opening scene of his award winning script.
for their forthcoming thriller,

Catherine Corcoran and Vito Trigo (Return to Nuke 'Em High) have both signed on to play lead roles in what promises to be one of the indie hits of this forthcoming year. 

Check out the tees, buy one for yourself, for a friend, for a loved one [here] and don't forget to check out their Facebook page for updates.

Tuesday, 5 August 2014

Have Some Cock

I’ve been absent quite often this year from Knifed in Venice, and recently it has nothing to do with lethargy.  At present I’m working on a project for television here in Fast City which has monopolized much of my time (and thought).

With any luck KiV will be back up and running at full speed shortly but in the meantime here’s a short story called The Greatest Cock That Ever Lived.

I was fifteen, it was April and the summer had started early.  My mother gave me ten pounds to run to the parade of shops at the bottom of the Oldpark Road to buy two steaks and some mince to fry into burgers for the dog’s dinner.  Dragging myself away from the television I threw on my trainers, laced up, pocketed the bank note and walked down to the bottom of The Bone.  I passed many people, they all knew me.  I said hello to them all before suddenly someone was calling my name from outside the Suicide Inn.
                ‘Doug, Doug, Douglas Morgan!’ the drunk cried swaying wildly.
                I crossed over the road, the windows were boarded up.  The bar was called Henry Joy’s but the locals called it The Suicide Inn because of the amount of times it had been shot into by loyalist paramilitaries and the fact that you didn’t need to be suicidal to drink in there but it certainly helped, especially if you sat by the window.
                I didn’t recognise the man, but his face looked like family.  He was.  He was my uncle Johnny, my mother’s brother.  He had been a prize fighter in his youth and took a few too many blows to the melon to be considered a valuable member of society anymore.  Sooner or later the critical melon blow comes to us all.  As I got within arm’s reach he threw a huge arm around me pulling me in for a hug.  He had a cockerel under his other arm, and had tied a bandanna around its head.
                ‘Doug, how are you?  I haven’t seen you since you were a little nipper.  Where are you guys living?’
                Don’t tell him, he’ll only get drunk and put a window in ‘Around Johnny, you know.  Top of the street.  What’s with the bird?’
                ‘Oh this,’ he said almost forgetfully ‘yeah this is Jean-Claude the greatest cock that ever lived.’
                ‘Is that so?’
                ‘You bet your spunk filled beans he is.  French bird, prize fighter.  I’ve pitted him against dogs and he’s licked every one of them.  Where are you going?’
                I checked over my shoulders, it didn’t do well to have people see you talking to a crazy man with poultry under his arm.  They’d all want to talk to you if they saw you’d stop to talk to a crazy man with poultry under his arm.
                ‘Mum sent me out to buy some meat for dinner.’
                ‘I’ll sell you this cock,’ he said ‘how much do you got?’
                ‘She wants steak.’
                ‘This cock is the greatest…’
                ‘Yeah I got that.’ I said impatiently.
                ‘Tell you what,’ said Johnny ‘I’ll make a bet with you.  You pick the dog, I’ll have Jean-Claude fight it and if he wins you give me the money and I’ll give you Jean-Claude.’
                ‘And if he loses?’
                ‘He won’t.’ Johnny insisted, his tone indignant.
                ‘But if he does.’
                ‘If he does then you can keep him and your money.’
                ‘So one way or another you’re getting rid of him, I thought you said he was the greatest…’
                ‘I know what I said.’ he snapped, waving a boulder sized fist in my face ‘He eats grain faster than a priest fucks.  I can’t keep up with him, I know you’ll give him a good home kid.’
           I took the bet, but felt bad about putting him up against a dog.  Most of the dogs in the neighbourhood were mean old junkyard dogs, the kind of beasts that would rip Jean-Claude’s head off and use it as a chew toy.  The only dog I thought he could beat was my dog Bosco – but there was always the slim chance that Johnny was telling the truth and I didn’t want my sad old mongrel getting hurt.
        I pointed to a hobo, a grumpy old bastard of a man with veins sprinting from both of his cheeks, crusty eyes and a big red nose.  The kids called him Wilf Tomato Bollocks and when they yelled it at him he yelled back banana dick!
         ‘What about Wilf?!’ I said.
         ‘What about him?’ replied Johnny.
         ‘Could Jean-Claude beat Wilf?’
         ‘Of course he fucking could.’
        It took a little convincing but eventually Wilf agreed to duke it out with Jean-Claude the French prize-fighting chicken for the princely purse of two three-litre bottles of White Lightning…if he won.  Strolling off behind the wasteland by the Suicide Inn I pitched up on a pallet and lit a cigarette as Johnny placed Jean-Claude three strides from Wilf Tomato Bollocks, explained the rules, and stepped back and called…
        ‘Ding, ding, round one!’ [read on]

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