Hollywoodn't - The Remakes You'll Never See


Recent years have seen hundreds of international titles remade for the pursuit of the almighty dollar.  Here's a list of films that Hollywood probably wouldn't touch with Mel Gibson's...but if they did...how interesting would that be?!

Fuck Me, Fuck Me, Fuck Me Tim!
Pedro Almodovar's blunt tool of a sex comedy is a pretty difficult title to place on the side of a bus but if they decided to remake Almodovar could direct and casting Tom Cruise would mean
1. You'd probably do good box office
2. You'd only have to change one word in the title.

Gayn*ggers From Outer Space
E.T's with a mission to liberate men from the oppressive nature of women to create an all gay society.  Spielberg's direction but where do you start casting without getting hit with libel cases?

Battle Royale
There's been talk for years of a big studio remake but one school massacre after another makes this difficult viewing for America.  However throw in Haley Joel Osment and Dakota Fanning and you could get a crowd crying out to see blood spilt.

Claire's Knee
Eric Rohmer's memoirs of a dirty old man is difficult viewing at moments as it is but could you really have Billy Bob Thornton lusting after a 12 year old girl?

Grotesque
Koji Shiraishi's film is little more than torture porn and one of the more difficult viewings with a crowd of strangers you could have.  Steve Buscemi and two of the young starlings for cutting up.

The Gestapo's Last Orgy
There's literally no way this film would ever get remade.  Even at the time, in the genre it lived in it was considered to be "too much" so having it in multiplexes across the U.SofA?  Not likely, though Meryl Streep and Max Von Sydow would be an interesting pairing.

Slaughtered Vomit Dolls
The only difference between this film and a bucket of sick is the bucket.  A film lacking in any real redeeming features though a potential career kick start for Lindsay Lohan?  She probably would.

A Serbian Film
There's just too much in this film that would need to be cut leaving only the trailer.  Think about it though, Nick Nolte, Julianne Moore and cameos from Ron Jeremy and his posse.

Salo : 120 Days of Sodom
This would probably be a bitter sweet film for those in the "hell fire and brimstone" bible belt but some scenes would probably be a little more than they're willing to cope with on a daily basis.  Award nominations for both Olsen Twins?  Too much?

Behind Convent Walls
It's like Sister Act but heavier on the masturbation.  Whoopi Goldberg gets back in the habit.

Chatterbox
We've already had a film with a killer vagina that likes to bite things so one that simply talks is a possibility.  If John Travolta and Kirsty Alley got involved it could be the reboot the Look Who's Talking franchise needs.

Feel free to add your own and between us with some careful internet rumours and fan power we could actually get one of them made!  Imagine The Devil's Experiment starring Paris Hilton, who wouldn't watch that?!

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